[smart_track_player url="https://download-galwaybay.sharp-stream.com/June%206th.mp3" title="The Keith Finnegan Show" artist="" image="http://galwayfm.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/GBFMPodcastKeith.gif" color="#252839" social="true" social_twitter="true" social_facebook="true" social_gplus="true"]
Aoife Cummins Letter and interview:
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Hey guys!
As most of you now know I’m shaving my head this July for Pieta House.
A lot of people have asked me ‘am I mad? Why don’t I just do a sponsored run, or just cut my hair short but not shave it all off’. I’ve even been told a woman’s hair is their crowning glory which personally I thought was hilarious. https://static.xx.fbcdn.net/images/emoji.php/v9/fd0/1/16/1f602.png ?
I’m not that nervous about shaving my hair off, if I’m honest I couldn’t care less what people will think of me when they see my giant bald head.
As I’ve stated before, being bald won’t make me any less of a woman. I’ll know in myself it’ll be worth it and it’s something so important for me to do.
It’s truly hard to explain to someone why you feel so passionate about something without going into detail of the darkest parts of your life. For years I’ve thought about writing about my struggles with anxiety but I didn’t want to seem weak or attention seeking. What I do want is to let people know that is OK to not to be OK and finally I’m ready to share my story with ye...So here goes!
A word of warning though!!
This story is VERY LONG and extremely personal. Only a few close friends know how hard the last few years truly were for me so it may be difficult for some to read but I think it’s important for me to explain why I want to shave my head.
My first proper experience of anxiety was in 2012. I had just finished my leaving cert and the night before I was to go on my post exams holiday I had a panic attack. I was worried I wouldn’t be able to sleep in a foreign country. Seems ridiculous right? This became a massive phobia in my life which I struggled with for years after and to this day it still plays on the back of my mind when I go somewhere new. It sounds like such a silly phobia yet here I was terrified of the panic attacks I might get in Spain if I didn’t sleep.
I went on the holiday anyways but could not relax or enjoy it fully as I kept worrying when the next panic attack would occur so when I got home I told myself ‘I’m not doing THAT again!’ And so here began my phobia which took over my life and caused major anxieties and depression for the next 2 years to come.
I realise now the mistake I made back then. Instead of trying to overcome the fear I avoided it and so it got bigger and bigger until it consumed every part of me. I lived in a state of fear and panic over absolutely nothing. I truly believed I would never be able to stay away from home again without having a panic attack. I think it was a whole year before I ever slept anywhere but my own bed! I remember trying to explain this ridiculous worry to my father and he said ‘but why are you worrying over something so trivial?’ And it was extremely trivial to the outside world, but to me it was a living nightmare.
I was trapped in my own mind.
You see the thing is I didn’t understand what was happening to me. I didn’t know what anxiety was, never experienced irrational panic. Depression was a big ugly word we whispered about but no one ever admitted to having. I became terrified. I didn’t know why I felt so miserable and scared all the time. Why I felt so alone.
In September of 2012 after just turning 17 I started a PLC in nursing in Galway. At this point I had told my parents and a few close friends how I was feeling but no one really understood. They’d say just stop worrying you’ll be fine.
I felt so isolated.
I just wanted to go back to school. It had been my safe place, where I remember being happy and carefree, surrounded by friends.
Now I just felt scared of the future. I only wanted to crawl back into my past.
That year continued to get worse for me, I don’t remember much of that PLC because I blocked out much of that horribly long year. The year 2013 always resonates in my mind negatively; it was by far one of the worst years of my life. The only clear memories I do have from that year are ones of panic and despair. I did have happy days too but depression has a way of making you forget the good times.
Thinking back now I had ignored my problems and didn’t ask for help, I just avoided them. It was a terrible decision on my part. By August 2013 I hadn’t been accepted to NUIG to study nursing but I was offered a place in Dublin. The thought of moving city was by far the most terrifying thing you could’ve asked me to do at that point. This was when it became clear to my parents there was a more serious problem here than they anticipated.
I started seeing a psychologist then and what I remember most from her was that she was €90 an hour. If it hadn’t been for my parents I would never have been able to afford it. I didn’t get much relief from these visits and that was my own fault; I didn’t listen to her advice.
She told me to push myself and face my fears which I couldn’t do, she told me to exercise and meditate which I didn’t do. I wanted a quick fix and wasn’t happy when she didn’t offer one. All I worried about was how much money I owed my parents for each visit. To this day I still think about how much I owe to my parents and how I’ll repay them in the future.
At this point I had deferred my offer in Dublin and was falling into a very dark place.
I remember having a really bad day and decided to go for a walk. I watched the cars drive by and thought how all these people can go about their life so peacefully when mine was falling apart. How do people go on with their lives when there’s so much to fear and worry about.
That was the first time I remember being truly ready to give up.
When I got home I broke down in front of my parents and we decided it was time for a visit to my GP. I was put on an antidepressant and I went about everyday in complete misery waiting for it to kick in.
A few weeks later a miracle happened. One morning in mid September my Dad woke me early. I was annoyed at him initially as sleep was something I worshipped but so rarely got due to my anxieties. Sleep was where I could escape my tortuous thoughts and fears.
However this morning my Dad burst into my room exclaiming ‘You got into Nursing in Galway!’
Someone had dropped out and I was next in line for a place. I couldn’t believe how my luck had changed. It was all I wanted at that point.
I swore I would turn things around for myself and be more positive. So I stopped taking my medication and I stopped seeing my psychologist and I fell into the routine of college.
However the phrase it’s always darkest before the dawn was very much appropriate for me. If anything I got worse. I used to sit in complete anxiety through lectures not hearing what was being taught but just trying to hold myself together until it was over. Trying to focus on study was torture.
I just couldn’t turn my brain off, my thoughts kept running and running, it was exhausting.
One day I was sitting with my new college friends and they were begging me to go out that night. At this point in my life I had become anxious about everything and the thought of going out drinking was terrifying. I had refused to join them on every occasion prior to this. I think they were starting to get fed up with me as I had no good excuse as to why I kept cancelling.
I felt so low and awful about myself that day. They just wanted to go out and I was too ashamed to admit why I couldn’t.
That afternoon I had another breakdown. I sat with my mother in the car after college, me in floods of tear and her face etched in concern. I’ll always remember what she said to me. ‘I’m really worried Aoife, are you OK? Are you going to do something stupid?’ and my response was ‘I don’t know’.
And I didn’t know. I knew what I wanted to do but I knew I couldn’t. That was my lowest point. Each and every day I was waking up wishing I was dead and going to sleep wishing I wouldn’t wake up.
I thought of ways I could kill myself but I never acted on it because I loved my family too much to hurt them.
That was my lifesaver, my incredible parents and I honestly don’t know if I’d be here today if it wasn’t for their amazing support. They may not have understood my fears and worries, but they were there when I needed them and tried their very best to help me overcome my issues in any way they could.
To this day my mom still cuts out newspaper clippings or emails me articles on anxiety and ways to combat it.
I love her for that. https://static.xx.fbcdn.net/images/emoji.php/v9/f6c/1/16/2764.png❤️
When I went home that evening I stared in the mirror wishing I could be normal, hating myself for being so weak. I decided if I never faced my fears I’d never get better. I couldn’t go on living like this. Things were only getting worse and I knew something had to change.
So that night I dressed up and decided to join my friends on their night out. From the outside I looked like a regular 18 year old, but inside I was dying.
Mom wanted me to eat something before I left the house but my anxiety was so severe at that point I could only stomach a few bites.
You see anxiety and depression are an illness. They may originate in your mind but they have many physical symptoms. You can’t eat, you can’t sleep. Your head throbs, your muscles ache, your stomach burns. You could feel so unwell that you can’t get out of bed but you can’t call in sick to work with the excuse ‘I feel anxious today’.
So I pushed myself and went out that night and nothing bad happened. In fact I actually had a good time. I woke up the next day feeling lighter, I had faced my fears.
And so I pushed myself again and again to do things that scared me. And just 3 months later I flew over to Australia with my family to visit my sister. An incredible milestone for me.
My anxiety and depression slowly started to lift after that. I felt like a new person, I started loving nights out and weekends away. And although things had turned around for me I had let my guard down and sadly my anxiety started creeping back in late 2015. I put a lot of pressure on myself back then and it was hard for my fragile mind to cope.
College became very difficult and overwhelming again but I reached out this time. I met with my lead lecturer who was so kind and understanding and gave me an extension on an assignment that was causing me a lot of upset. She also encouraged I go to the free college support services; which I did and would highly recommend every student avail of these services if they feel they aren’t coping.
Again in final year my anxiety flared.
Being a student nurse is a tough job that requires determination and a love for the job. I absolutely love nursing and caring for my patients but going out as a fresh intern was difficult. I struggled with my confidence and had many sleepless nights resulting in working 13 hour shifts physically and emotionally exhausted.
I broke down in tears more times during my internship then I ever did in college. One rotation became so tough that my clinical coordinator told me I should avail of the HSE free counseling services.
So again I went back to see someone and I found them very helpful but sadly the damage had been done and my anxiety had already built big scary walls in my head that I’m still trying to break down.
In September of last year I got offered a position as a Staff Nurse in the amazing AMU ward here in Galway. I was on cloud nine.
I’m honestly still surprised at myself that I got through all those extremely difficult years in college. I still had anxious days then but I was much better at silencing my demons.
However my luck was short-lived. I started having minor issues with strength in my left arm and eventually after lying on it funny I lost all power below the elbow, I couldn’t lift my wrist or fingers.
I was diagnosed with a rare untreatable nerve disorder that makes my nerves very sensitive to pressure. A relatively minor diagnosis but I was devastated. I was told I could not work until it was healed.
I injured my wrist in November 2017 and now as of May 2018 it has still not fully recovered, however it has improved immensely. I only recently got back to work but sadly I’m not allowed nurse patients, I’m doing office work instead.
I won’t complain though because those 4 months off work became as dark as those days in 2013.
Being told you can’t work is extremely difficult. I loved my job. Now I was at home every day alone with my poisonous thoughts. It wasn’t easy.
My wrist was healing so slowly I thought it might never recover fully. All my college friends were getting so experienced and confident on the wards and I felt like I was rapidly falling behind.
I became very down again and felt very isolated.
I would lie in bed every morning battling with myself to get up.
It is quite impossible to drag yourself from bed when your mind is so heavy.
I knew I needed extra help so I went to my GP and she recommended I try some medication for a while. So now I’m on an antidepressant again and honestly it has immensely reduced my irrational anxiety that was always playing in the back of my mind like a broken record.
Currently I feel much better. I have my bad days of course but I keep myself super busy as I find it a great distraction for the mind. I’m back working 2 jobs, playing guitar, doing volunteer work and I also exercise 4 to 5 times a week.
I cannot express how much exercise helps my mood. It truly is one of the best natural cures for anxiety. Whenever my mind is running and I can’t stop it I go to the gym or go for a run and that is my mindfulness. Your body is distracting your mind. It was the only thing I filled my days with when I was off work, it saved me.
However while off sick it opened my eyes. Life can you throw you curve balls at any time and you can never be prepared for the emotional toll it can take on you.
I was lucky to have my parents and their financial support. But not everyone has those supports. Not everyone feels they can talk about their worries.
It is extremely hard to tell someone you feel like crap when you yourself know there is so much more suffering in the world. I knew I had a job, a car, a roof over my head, great family and friends so you feel horribly guilty for that not being enough to fulfill your happiness; when others have nothing.
However I’ve come to realise that we all have our demons and no matter how small they are they can affect us deeply.
It’s important for younger generations to know that sometimes college isn’t the best years of your life. They are tough and students need to be made aware of this.
I was so unprepared for the bombshell of adulthood. I was always told that college would be amazing and sometimes it was but it was also mentally draining and difficult. I think it’s no harm to let students know that it will be tough during exams and you can feel lost at times, but you’ll also meet amazing people and have many nights to remember.
If I knew the skills I know now to manage my anxiety and negative self talk back in school I may have been able to cope better.
I also think it’s important for parents to realise it’s not their fault if their child is suffering. They can do everything in their power to help their children but at the end of the day its not their mental battle, it's their child's. All they can do is be as understanding and supportive as possible while their child finds their way through it. Just listening and offering positivity can be an enormous help. My parents used to tell me over an over again that I'd gotten through the bad days before and I'd do it again and just the positive outlook can really change your perspective.
I had a fun, easygoing childhood; where my family were caring, and loving. I have no negative memories growing up and I genuinely believe no matter what my parents could’ve done differently I still would’ve developed anxiety. I’m just wired this way.
I just want people to know it’s OK to feel bad sometimes. I was so confused and embarrassed to have depression because of the stigma we had placed on mental health issues when I was growing up. But now I talk about it freely. It has made me a more caring and empathetic person.
I struggled to accept my mental health issues for a long time and sometimes I still get frustrated, however I’ve come to terms with my anxiety.
Although it has made my life very difficult I’m finally able to say I’m glad I’ve suffered and fought my way through. The skills I’ve learned on my rocky journey are skills I now have to face whatever life throws at me.
So if you are feeling down know that it does get better but you need to help yourself, and be kind to yourself. Go out in the fresh air, spend time with someone who makes you happy, face your fears, and talk to someone if you need help. There are so many free services out there that will listen as well as offer great advice.
Don’t listen to that voice inside your head. You are not your thoughts, believe me.
My anxiety has tried to break me at every turn. It tells me I am a terrible person, that I am a useless nurse.
That no one will ever want me because I’m an emotional wreck.
That I could never start a family because I can barely look after myself.
But you can’t listen to these thoughts because they are not true. I regularly tell my own mind to shut up.
There is also no shame in taking medication for extra support. I won’t stay on it forever but right now I don’t feel quite ready to come off it. If I had diabetes or epilepsy I wouldn’t be embarrassed to take mediation for them so why should depression and anxiety be any different.
It’s time to break the silence. Let us all open up about how we feel.
I would highly recommend everyone join Darkness into Light this year. I did my first one in 2016 when I wasn’t feeling good and seeing all those amazing people out for Pieta House was truly magnificent for me and made me feel less alone.
They are an incredible charity that needs more recognition and support.
They offer an amazing service and one I would’ve availed of had I known about them back in the very dark days when I felt I had no one.
Since beginning fundraising I’ve become increasingly happy and positive in myself at the support and donations I’ve already received.
A few friends also bravely decided to join me by shaving their heads too or getting waxed and their support means so much to me!
People need to remember that my hair will grow back in time and I’ll return to the red, rugged, wild haired girl I’ve always beenhttps://static.xx.fbcdn.net/images/emoji.php/v9/fd0/1/16/1f602.png ?
Shaving my hair will only be a temporary loss, but losing someone to suicide is permanent.
This is why it will be a small gesture for such a worthy cause.
Thank you for reading my story. If it helps even one person then it was worth writing. It wasn't easy to write and even harder to post!
And please show your support by following my link to donate to our head shave. Every donation means a lot to me and it will mean even more to the person it will help.
https://www.gofundme.com/pietahouseheadshave
Click HERE to donate to her amazing cause
